I got my last Living Anatomy quiz back, today. I didn't do well, not well at all. I knew I didn't do great, but a total fail? Wasn't expecting that.
I wanted to run home, hide in my room, and cry. I've had lots of moments like that in the past few weeks--I want to scrunch up my face and weep. Instead, I pulled up my big girl panties, stepped out of the tide of despair pulling on my ankles, and returned to class.
I really like TCM theory, so it was easy to fall into the lecture and learn.
I'm a nervous test-taker. I learned all kinds of tricks to calm down, focus, and do okay on tests way back as an undergrad. But something strange happened on my way to medical school. I forgot those skills and now, in a rush of throat-clenching anxiety, I speed through my tests, miss questions, and don't read as carefully as I should.
As an undergrad, I accepted that I wasn't a good test taker. I made up for it by being a good writer. You want a paper, an essay, how about a presentation? I can do that and usually do it well. But multiple choice? Fill in the blank? True or False? The black and white, the obvious, escapes me. Lately, more so than usual.
After TCM Theory, I went to Qigong class. I love Qigong. It has turned into a movement meditation that soothes my anxiety and quiets the voices of doom. It seems to be a natural extension of Reiki. The practice lives in my body and emotions. I can't yet put words to the experience. I want to stay in the powerful and gentle flow. The words will come later.
So with the yang comes the yin, with the fear comes the release and peace. Despite my anxiety and doubt, my heart continues to feel joy learning this medicine. Some days, that's all the assurance I get.
A link to the Shirells singing "Mama said..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQlImg2bm28&feature=related
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