Losing My Religion

I've had a rough couple of days. I've written about the academic ups and downs of being an acupuncture student, but I haven't written about the personal ones.

To be honest, one of the reasons I was drawn to acupuncture was because of my frustration with Western medicine. I think that is probably the number one reason most people seek out CAM, or Complimentary and Alternative Medicine.

Strangely enough, my very first acupuncture appointment, about 11 years ago, was horrific. An ancient practitioner, who barely spoke English, cascaded my back with needles. He then attached little diodes so that minute electrical currents could run through the needles giving the Qi a little extra stimulation. It was so excruciatingly painful that I sobbed, loudly. The currents ran painful spasms all through my body. Despite my loud crying, no one came to the room or ever checked on me. I had never had acupuncture before so I had no idea that this was not within normal protocol.

When an attendant finally came to take out the needles, I asked if it was supposed to hurt that much. She seemed embarrassed and nodded silently. I limped from the room, my face red and swollen from crying. I never saw the practitioner again.

Later, still wanting to find relief from the chronic pain I had, I did more research about acupuncture, read some studies from the NIH, and got recommendations. I went to another acupuncturist, Dr. Kim. I told him about my first experience and he said he'd heard stories but promised to not use electro-acupuncture on me. It was a much more pleasant experience. It didn't alleviate my pain as much as I'd hoped, but Dr. Kim did tell me that there was something wrong with my nervous system and that I should get an MRI. That was the beginning of finally getting a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis.

Here I am, eleven years later, learning how to become an acupuncturist myself. I've had lots of negative experiences in Western medicine. And mostly, positive experiences with Naturopathy and Chinese medicine.

Most Westerners seem attracted to CAM modalities because Naturopathy and Chinese medicine treat the patient as a whole person, linking together all the symptoms into a whole treatment plan--not just looking at a single symptom as separate from all the others.

I'll be honest, I've put Chinese medicine on a pedestal. This past weekend, the pedestal got knocked out from under me. It was a tough lesson.

On Sunday, I went to a special clinic at the school for people with auto-immune illnesses. I was needled for the spasticity in my right leg. When I left the clinic, I felt great. As soon as I got home and tried to sit down, it felt as if a knife was tearing into my hip and outer thigh. It was excruciating. I called the clinic and went back in.

After all was said and done, I spent Sunday evening on the couch, alternately icing and heating my hip and leg. I took a double dose of my muscle relaxer and tried to study. Simmering under the fog of drugs and dull pain, my anger and disappointment grew.  It was hard to focus on the TCM theory book.

I was no longer sure that acupuncture was for me. Something had gone wrong during the treatment and now I was in a lot of pain. I wanted to believe that I was experiencing a healing crisis and that within a day or two, my leg would be in great shape.

On Monday, the sharp pain was gone and I was left with just a stiff, aching leg. Someone from the clinic called to check on me. It did not go well. I couldn't understand much of what she said because of background noise. What I did hear was, "you should have told us you were sensitive..."

I responded that it's in my notes that I'm sensitive and I mentioned it during the palpation part of the exam. I was in pain, I was angry, and probably worst of all, I was losing faith in this medicine that I've dedicated my life to.

To hear a practitioner say, from my perspective, that it was my fault the treatment had gone badly infuriated me. I try very hard to advocate for myself. Western medicine taught me that. I encourage others all the time to advocate for themselves in managing their health.

Today, my leg is better. Just a little stiffness, achiness, and footdrop, but I'm walking much, much better. I've talked to others at school, including the acupuncturist who normally treats me. It seems the needles were left in too long for my ability to tolerate them. It won't happen again, because I'll be much, much more vocal than I've been in the past.


The experience also left me terrified about the possibility of one day hurting one of my patients. All I can do is remain aware and sensitive. I hope we get the training in our program to help us deal with issues like mine when they come up.

Despite my meltdown yesterday, I'm staying in school. I try to believe that all I've been through with MS will make me a better practitioner. It's gifted me in so many other ways, perhaps becoming a competent healer will be the best gift of all.