The Empress

This semester, I'm taking my first Five Element class in preparation to earn my certificate in Five Element Acupuncture. This modality focuses more on the emotional and spiritual indications of the points. There is the idea, one that I hold dear, that if you heal the emotional causality, the body will follow and cure physical illness.

Chinese medicine sees the Heart, an organ of the Fire element, as the Emperor, or in my case, Empress of the body. All the other organs serve her, because if she's not happy, nobody is. This is also the chakra of unconditional love. I feel that most of us are on a life long quest to heal this most basic aspect of ourselves.

There is a lot more I could write about this Fire element both from a TCM and 5E perspective. Instead, I submit for you the first draft of my paper on the Heart for my 5E class.

(By the way, don't you find it interesting that the European Tarot depicts the Empress with a Heart by her side? Love synchronicity...all the heart cells beating as one...)

A year ago I was taking a class in the Nei Jing and Tao Teh Ching. At the time I was going through an ugly break up. I wrote a paper on the Pericardium and the Heart, detailing my struggle to understand, from a TCM perspective, a broken heart.

I knew there might be a follow up essay. I didn’t know what form it would take.  At the time I had to dive deep into myself to find healing.

I’m in my second year of acupuncture school—Santa Cruz instead of Portland. The sunshine here soothes my watery, anxious tendencies. My Five Element acupuncturist has diagnosed my Causative Factor as Water. That means that when I'm stressed, physically, emotionally, or spiritually, I tend toward Water element behavior in Chinese Medicine.

Now, one year later, another Valentine’s Day looms. I’m again struggling with my heart, the Empress. Valentine’s Day is often difficult for me. It falls close to the anniversary of my stepdad’s death—a man I deeply loved.

What’s different this year is how I’m choosing to approach the anniversary. Instead of succumbing to the usual heavy heart and conversations around abandonment, I’m writing him a love letter.

He taught me how to cut hearts out of red construction paper. I’ll create the hearts with messages thanking him for all the gifts he brought to my life. I am choosing, after almost 40 years of mourning, to create a ritual of gratitude and love for the brief time he was with me.

Another change this year is that I am in a different kind of relationship. I fell hard and fast in my usual fashion. Definitely a Pericardium imbalance. From the Nei Jing, I learned the Pericardium is the muse to the Heart. In Five Elements, we’ve learned the PC is a door that opens and shuts, guarding the Heart.I think the hinges on my Pericardium need some attention.

I’m a “serial bride.” I get in fast and out quick. As soon as I detect that the object of my love is no longer showing up emotionally, mentally, or physically, I’m gone.

Upon my departure, I go through the rigors of heart ache, beat myself up for making bad choices, blame my imago, cry a bucket of tears, pay my therapist overtime, and move on. The door slams shut. The Empress is no longer available.

Until the next one comes along—and the merry chase begins again. I look at friends who have been in relationships for years with the same partner and feel envy and wonder. Really, how do they do it?

I deeply value my friendships. I've been blessed with lifelong friends, but romantic relationships have always been a struggle. Water whispers doubt, insinuates betrayal, and like a storm crashing to the shore, I’m assured of impending abandonment.

Lately, my newish relationship has been very hard. In the past, I ran away from the fighting, misunderstandings, and blaming. Perhaps, abandonment is no longer the issue, but just an old, worn out story. Can fire instead dance with water to heal the vexing pull between fear and wonton desire toward their virtues of wisdom and joy?

This time around, there is a new voice among the whispers. It asks “What if he keeps showing up and actually works through this with you? Can you show up, too? Will you learn the secret all your friends seemed to be born knowing?”

Instead of running away, I’m turning to Heart. I’ve realized that if I really want to have lasting intimacy with another, I have to first show up for myself. How can Pericardium do her job if I don’t know what I want, or who I want? If I have no discernment from the outset, how is that honoring my Heart? How does that honor me?

I turn inward looking for an audience with the Empress. She can dictate to me what she truly desires. I’m falling in love from the inside out.